Completing the Incomplete Miscarriage

It is stressful to find out that you are going to or have miscarried.  Even if you are not overly happy or ready to be pregnant.

You are left with a lot of self doubt.

It gets worse when your body does not naturally pass the egg sack.  The stress and worry is taken up a notch.

I adapt to things pretty quickly.  I was not overly happy with being pregnant.  I was not ready and being nauseous all the time sucked.  It was still difficult to hear that I had miscarried.  Worse to hear that if my body did not pass it naturally I would have to help it along.

Waiting a week to see if it passed naturally was very difficult.  Walking around, trying to be normal, and expecting horrible cramps and bleeding any second.  On top of whatever else is going on.  It was a rough week.

After talking to my provider and given some options on how to complete the miscarriage, I chose to do it at home with Misopostol.

It was something I could do at home, be comfortable (mostly) and I like to do things on my own.

I was directed to insert four of the teeny Misopostol tabs into my vagina every 8 hours.  I was expecting a huge suppository or something.  Not the tiny pills.  I was also given some anti-nausea pills (they tasted like toothpaste) and Motrin 800, to help with the cramps.

At 6pm on a Friday I inserted the first dose of Misopostol.  Within minutes I felt like I had contracted at horrible flu.  My joints ached, I got really tired and unfocused and I was running a low fever.  I forced myself to stay up for two hours, as the cramps were supposed to start and my body should start passing the egg sack.  Nothing… Two hours of sitting, pacing and struggling to stay away and nothing.  So I went to bed, setting an alarm for my next dose at 2am.

When my alarm went off at 2am.  I got up, still feeling like I was run over by a semi.  I used the toilet, mostly checking for blood.  None.  I cleaned up and inserted the next dose.  I only lasted about 15 minutes before I went to sleep.  The flu symptoms got worse and I could not stay awake.  I set an alarm for 10am for the last dose.

When my alarm went off at 10am, I was not ready to get up.  I laid in bed for a good 30 minutes before I realized that my body needed to get up and use the toilet.  Not the normal toilet urge.  It was closer to the period started early urge.

The second I rolled to get out of bed I could feel the pad filling up.  I rushed to the bathroom.  I let my body do its thing while I tried to keep the stuff in the pad from getting on the floor.  If I had not been so distracted I would have looked to see what was in the bowl.

I will say it was the strangest feeling, to have a good sized smooshy thing just slide and fall out of your vagina.  There was no real pain, it just slipped out and Plop.

Once I was all cleaned up I inserted the last dose and laid back down.  Less than 15 minutes and I was up again, in the bathroom, trying to keep the stuff in the pad from getting on the floor.  A smaller but similar texture slipped out.

Cleaned up and paced around the house.  I actually had mild cramps now and hoped the pacing would speed things up and keep my bed from getting messy if I was not quick enough to respond.

All the urgent trips to the bathroom were over by 1230pm.  About 2 hours and my body had worked out everything that needed to be passed.  I was able to go back to sleep (still felt like I had the flu) and rested until 6pm.

Since then I have only had light bleeding.  It is fairly fibrous when I am very active or under a lot of stress, but very light.  If it was not for hygiene concerns I could probably get away with changing the pad every 12 hours or less.

In the end it was not a horrible experience to me.  I slept through most of it.

A weight is of my shoulders now that it is pretty much over.  I just have to wait for the rest of the bleeding to stop, anywhere between 10-14 days.  Any longer and I am supposed to see my provider.

You do need to be aware that EVERY woman has different results.  I was reading up on it and some pass the egg sack after the first dose.  Some have no results and end up using a different method.  Some have extremely painful cramps and others have none.

I hope this helps anyone with a miscarriage who plans on taking Misoprostol.

… It is a Miscarriage

My last post was a lie of sorts.

I felt normal because I had miscarried.

I was also only 7 weeks pregnant, and the fetal development stopped around 5 weeks.  Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I miscarried.

I spent about 12 hours feeling like I had done something wrong.  However it did not stay.  I am over prime pregnancy age, and every year get closer into the “high risk” category.   I also did some research and found that at my age, it was very likely that I would miscarry during my first pregnancy.

I am not very upset over this.

I was not ready.  I did not have time to get attached to the idea.

On a down side.  My body has not naturally passed the egg sack.  I have chosen to do the pessary (pills inserted into the vagina) method of removing the miscarry.  I did this for two reasons.  1. probably most natural. 2. something that I can compare birth pains to later.

My spouse and I will be trying again when it is safe to.

I will also write a post about how the weekend goes when I take the pessaries.

Feeling Normal-ish

I am now at 13 weeks, and a few days.

I actually feel kind of normal… Well, more like “normal” for the week before you get your period.  It is much easier for me to cry or get weepy.  I try to avoid watching things that I know will trigger tears.  My emotions are more extreme.  If I am happy, I am really happy, if I get angry, I get really angry. It is hard to keep them in check sometimes.

Nausea is pretty much gone.  If I eat to much I get nausea, but I have figured out what is to much of the majority of foods that I eat.  I can do about half a serving of oatmeal or rice (they expand) but I can hold quite a bit of protein or veggies.  I have noticed it takes a really long time for veggies to digest.  I do not get hungry for 3-4 hours after eating a salad.

I am still not getting hungry as often as usual. My goal is to eat something every hour or so.  Small and frequent meals.  That way I do not miss out on getting the nutrients I need.

I also do not want anything with a lot of sugar in it.  Sad, because usually I would chow down on a chocolate bar if I was feeling snacky.  Now I aim for fruits or veggies.  Chocolate still tastes the same, I just do not get that high from the sugar or whatever chemicals give you the rush.

I get tired faster.  I have had to slow down my walking pace and allow more time for my morning and evening routines.  It is only a few minutes right now, but it still has a significant impact.  I walk EVERYWHERE, so I have to make sure I leave a little bit earlier ever few weeks.

 

I suppose I have gotten over being really angry at the losses I will experience during the pregnancy.  Being angry and sad is not going to change anything right now.  Accepting and moving on with things will.

I can still do some of what I had planned for this year.  The rest will just have to wait for next year.

It could be the pregnancy brain washing that is making it easier to accept, but I am usually one to role with the punches… after a period of mourning what could have been.

TTFN

Extreme Emotions

I was completely unprepared for the 24 hours of angry.

I am not normally an angry person.  Most of the time the trigger is resolved and I can go about my day.

Not this time.

Everything made it worse.  All the slights (real or imagined) that I have ever felt came to surface and made it worse.  It just fed of of everything.

It did not even go away with sleep.  It hung out for most of the morning.

There was no calming down, controlling or walking it off.  It just festered more with every attempt.

That was how I spent Monday evening, Tuesday and Wednesday morning.  It was not awesome.

On the plus side, I was able to start a painting.

Prego and ill

I have a cold.

I would call it the “cold from hell” but I have not had to go to the doctor, so it is not that bad.

I did have to buy a thermometer to ensure I did not get a fever that went really high.

Over the past week and a half, since I found out I am pregnant,  I have gotten to experience all of the unpleasantness.

Nausea, colds, anxiety, irritability.  I have not experienced the “wonders” of being pregnant.  Probably to early yet.

I do not feel amazed that I am pregnant.  I am not in awe that I am growing a tiny future human.

I am mostly irritated that I have a cold for the first time in four years.  I am irritated that I cannot take anything to ease the symptoms.  I will have to wear a face mask at work tomorrow… Gloves also…

So far, being pregnant sucks.

I am not amused.

 

Less Nausea…

First day that I felt “normal” in a while.  I think most of the nausea was from anxiety.  I am over most of that, and feel pretty good… today

I was tired this morning.  I was worried that my asthma was going to act up again.  It went away before lunch.  It must be the fatigue that is listed as a common symptom of pregnancy.

I feel so “normal” I am kind of worried.

It goes away when a wave of nausea starts up.

Then comes back.

A vicious cycle.

 

My Announcement Comic

For the most part I did not toy with anyone when I made my “announcement” to my family or co-workers.

To my family I posted a photo of the pregnancy test in a FB IM.

I just flat out told my boss in an email as factually as possible.

I did not really want to tell either of them yet, as I have  no solid dates or anything.  Why bother anyone with vagueness?  Who needs more vagueness in their lives?

Not me.

I did toy with a good friend.  Mostly because she has been teasing me for YEARS about it.  I drew a little comic strip.  It is all symbolic and vague.  It took her all day to figure it out.   I had to give her hints.  Made my day.

I still think everyone is happier about it than I am.  They all want to run and sing to the hills, and I am trying to keep a lid on it.  I am happy I got to tease someone, that is about it.

I am not happy about the nausea.  The random heartburn is also not cool.  I already have trouble sleeping because of my asthma, peeing every 30-45 minutes when I lay down does not help it at all.

I am not happy that I will be VERY pregnant during the hottest time of the year, in my area.

I am not happy that I am already losing my focus.  It is hard to work on anything for more than 10 minutes.  Either a baby related thing pops into my head, I have to pee, or I just get distracted and “forget” what I was doing.  WTF

It is happening as I type this out.

I am not happy that my error rate at work is going up.  It is that focus thing…

There are a few things that are ok, right now.

I do not have nausea when I exercise…  Ok, it is one thing…  I like exercise.  It makes me feel good about a lot of things.  I like to go to random parks in the city and just walk for a few hours.  Back on a negative; now I have to plan my trips around bathroom locations and accessibility to water refills.  (UUUUGGGGHHH)

I still do not want to socialize with people.  I really just want to hid someplace.  It is not an unusual thought, being an introvert.  It is just much stronger than usual.  Probably one of the reasons for the nausea…  who knows.

I have been drinking weak ginger tea to help with the nausea.  It does ok.  I may have to make it a bit stronger, or get some without the lemon.  I think the acids are what is giving me the heartburn…. again, who knows.

The comic I sent my friend announcing I was pregnant.  I like it.  My hands are terrible, but I was having a hard time focusing and doing things right.  I think my art is going to suffer…  Makes me sad

 

I am Pregnant?

I just found out this morning that I am pregnant.

I am pretty sure I am further along than the apps suggest.  Dr. appointments are coming soon. I will know more soon.

I already do not want anyone to be near me.  I have fantasies of smacking  anyone that even tries to touch my future baby bump or gives me some advice that worked for them.

I do not want to hear it.  When I ask for it, that is when I will be receptive to it.  Even from my spouse.

I am thirsty.   I only want want water.  Even then I can feel any temperature difference as it hits my stomach.

I want to eat string cheese and chicken.

The thought of veggies and starches make my stomach roll.  I eat them because they are important, but I do not want them.

Peaches and mixed fruit cups are neutral ground.

My usual treats, chocolate, ice cream, and chips hold not interest to me, either.

Usually I have a high tolerance for stupidity, antics, and jokes.  I am down to 10% or less.

I weigh myself every other Tuesday.  This week was an exception… added 5 lbs in less than a week.  My pants were tight on Monday.  They seem to be doing better now.

My stomach gets queasy and fluttery randomly.

I am easily distracted.  Serious “OOooo, Shiny” syndrome.

I cannot remember if I did something, even as little as 10 seconds ago.  This makes my error rate at work go up from the small 1-2% to 5-6%.

I want to move.  If I am not moving I can feel everything my stomach is doing.  Gurgles, squelches, muscles pulling left or right.

“That water was a bit cold.  I can feel it warming up.”  Swirls of cool mixing to get warmer.

I am burping on a regular basis.

Bed time.  I need to sleep.  My eyes are dark from thinking instead of sleeping.

I will edit this post when I find out what week I am in.  I think between 8-10.